Gentle Parenting Versus Passive Parenting

As a systemic therapist with 10 years experience in Child & Adolescent Mental Health and Mum to a two-year-old, I often find myself scrolling through various parenting posts on Instagram and TikTok; many of which promote the idea of ‘Gentle Parenting’. The concept of gentle parenting is attractive and something most parents would like to emulate; I have a theoretical idea of gentle parenting; being at one with my child, feeling connected, calm, empowered…but I find myself wondering what gentle parenting means in practice, how we parents achieve it in real life, and how we avoid falling into the trap of passivity…

Further reading and conversations with colleagues, childcare professionals and friends have enlightened me! Gentle Parenting uses child-centred ideas to promote learning, it gives the child a voice and advocates allowing the child to make empowered choices, thus reducing tantrums, distress and frustration; it’s about helping the child connect and understand their emotions - big, small, joy, anger! Gentle parenting also seems to avoid punitive strategies but doesn’t shy away from discipline; this is important to note - discipline is an important part of childhood learning and development, it shouldn’t be scary or punitive but considered and meaningful in order to help the child learn. 

Let’s take my own experience; I start with the intention of being super gentle and positive, but, unless I am emotionally regulated, well-rested and channelling the patience of a thousand saints, I inevitably find myself slipping into what can only be described as passive parenting where I notice that my child is commanding control! So my concern lies not with the principles of gentle parenting, but rather, in what gets missed in the strive for gentle parenting.  

Boundaries are essential for children, they need boundaries to feel safe but implementing boundaries and being consistent with boundaries takes patience, practice and self-control.

Imagine you are on a plane and the plane starts to experience rough turbulence or an engine malfunction… How would you feel if the pilot spoke over the tannoy and said ‘"Passengers, we are in a bit of a crisis, what do you think I should do; you have 2 choices, emergency land or push ahead, please vote!?" I imagine that you would feel extremely anxious - it would create chaos on board! We expect the pilot to take control as they know best and are trained and experienced in safely managing these situations. It’s the same with children, when we give them too much control or choices they can feel overwhelmed and stressed. It is appropriate and sometimes necessary to say, "I am your parent and I am saying no right now". 

Boundaries or at least consistent boundaries can be mistakenly or unintentionally demoted in the strive for gentle parenting, especially when the parent is not feeling their absolute best. This misses the very essence of what gentle parenting represents; it is not a lazy cop-out where the child is protected from feeling any sort of distress and waited on like a tiny emperor! No, gentle parenting takes hard work, commitment and consistent effort, it requires patience and understanding from a parent who is not prepared to take the easy option. 

I have found that reminding myself of the basics when I find myself distracted, tired or stressed is helpful; keep it simple - “I said no, not today”, avoid over-explaining, notice the child’s emotions, name them and offer a distraction or another appropriate option. Pushing back on boundaries is entirely normal for children, it’s part of learning and development, pushback is usually not gentle either…!

It is important to name and acknowledge your child’s feelings and equally important to hold firm on your decision. You do not need to rationalise or over-explain everything to your child and it’s ok if they get angry or upset about this, you can however contain their feelings and sit with them, proportionate distress tolerance is an important skill for children to learn! 

It also might be helpful to think about what passive parenting looks like in practice; it can be giving in to your child when they ramp up the challenging behaviour or oppositional behaviour (usually when we are tired),  allowing them to do what they want even at our inconvenience, reinforcing negative behaviour (unintentionally) or even responding to their every request immediately. My point is not to judge or shame any parenting approaches, but to help us recognise when we are slipping into a parenting style that puts too much pressure on the child by taking a passive role. Essentially, when we are passive, we put the child in the driver's seat and that’s no good for anyone in the long-term…