Is your child sexually active, or do you think they might be thinking about having sex or starting to sexually experiment? Even if you don’t think they are ready, it’s a good idea to start talking about sex and healthy sexual relationships as soon as they become sexually aware. This may be earlier than you’re ready for it to be! The transition from primary to secondary school tends to be a good time to move from talking about puberty and getting to know our own bodies, to thinking about other people’s bodies, and how intimacy, and sex, are part of normal adult life. Once they are teens, the conversations need to go … a little deeper (pun intended).
We all have different feelings, beliefs and values around sex so this is by no means a one-size-fits-all. Nonetheless, we hope that this helps to make talking about sex with your child a little bit easier. Here are some of the key things to try to hold in mind when facing those potentially tricky conversations …
Try to relax. Breathe. If you approach conversations about sex in an awkward or detached way, your child will pick up on your feelings, and likely shy away. If, for any reason, you find the idea of talking about sex with your kids unbearable, is there another adult that you trust who could do this?
Make time to talk, and pick your moment! Car journeys are great because you can sit side-by-side rather than face-on, which can help the conversation to flow. Another good opportunity is when you are watching a film where there is a romantic scene or a sex scene, as this can provide some context for an open discussion. Do not attempt to talk about sex during an argument about why your child is home late, or when they are in a mood, or when things are hectic and busy, as the conversation is likely to end abruptly and lack any real meaning.
Start with the facts. What's normal? Masturbating is normal. Wanting privacy is normal. Being aroused by other people is normal. ALL sexualities are normal. Wanting to touch and explore with other people is normal. Wanting to watch porn is normal. Also, talk about what’s not normal, such as unhealthy obsessions, any kind of sexual acts that are non-consensual or involve a power imbalance, persuasion or grooming behaviours of any kind, or being asked or asking someone else to keep inappropriate sexual secrets. And, whilst for older teens, watching porn or wanting to watch porn is normal, this can be a grey area, and can become more of an obsession, rather than a reasonably healthy way to explore sex and sexuality, safely. Try to help your teen understand the difference.
Share your views, if you have any, but don’t force them on your child. This can feel tricky with religious views, for example. But, it’s hard to protect our children if we force them to feel that the things they are doing or thinking about doing must be kept a secret or there will be huge consequences. Explain to your child that you’d prefer if they waited to have sex until they were married, for example, but that you will support them to be safe and happy whatever choices they make.
It’s important that young people know the law, and understand what it's there for - it’s there to protect everyone and should be adhered to, of course. BUT, carefully acknowledge that sex and the law can be slightly blurry. For example, if your mature 15-year-old is thinking about having consensual sex with their same-age boyfriend/girlfriend, who they have been dating for some time, it’s probably better to focus the conversation on consent, and contraception, rather than telling them they will likely be prosecuted for sexual offences. To be clear, we are not advocating for 15-year-olds having sex - we're just being realistic about teenage behaviour and curiosity.
That being said, try to focus on healthy relationships - and consent! How would your teen know if they were ready to have sex? What else would be important to them in their relationship? Do they fully understand what consent is? This video is a great resource to help teens to understand what consent really means.
The big C - contraception, of course! Condoms should be non-negotiable for teens to protect them from STDs. It’s really important that they understand that preventing getting pregnant isn’t the only reason for contraception! Condoms, condoms, condoms, and after condoms, choice - lots of choice! There are many different ways to avoid pregnancy, so talk to your teen about the options, and if you don't know the options, support them to find out. It's a good idea to make sure your teen knows where the local sexual health clinic is, and understand why they might need to visit, at any time in their lives.
Be prepared to answer questions. In fact, invite them to ask questions! But, know what your boundaries are. Be careful not to overshare as it can be very uncomfortable for teens to hear details of their parents’ sex lives, sexual highs, or sexual regrets. Invite questions and answer them thoughtfully and sensibly if you can.
It's also helpful to think about how you might respond if your child shares something about a 'friend' of theirs who is having sexual experiences or is sexually active. This is often the way that teens test the waters with their parents. So, try not to shut these conversations down, and remain calm and curious whilst ensuring that safety is the number one priority.
Don’t overdo it. Take little steps. No kid wants a 2-hour chinwag with their mum about sex. Just keep the conversation open, and as light as possible, but have it often!
Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!
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