We live in a society where parenting has become a popular talking point, with many strong opinions and ideas. There is an increased focus on our own experiences of being parented and an expectation that we should learn from these experiences; we seem to have moved away from simply trusting our instincts, and opting for the latest parenting theory or fad! Positive or negative, this shift can result in a more obvious variation in parenting styles.
At Youth Untroubled, one of the many issues we face in overcoming child behavioural difficulties is a lack of consistency in the parenting approach. This can result in ‘splitting’ of the parental unit and can give way to oppositional and defiant behaviour in our kids. We thought it helpful to share some of the ways in which parents and caregivers can ensure a united front for their children whilst staying true to their own values and beliefs:
1. Assume positive intentions!
It can be easy to forget during emotional disagreements that it’s highly likely your co-parent wholeheartedly believes they are doing the right thing by your child. Holding this in mind allows you to approach the situation more calmly and effectively.
2. Work on perspective-taking
Consider where your co-parent is coming from; what was their experience of being parented? What might they be trying to avoid/ replicate? What might be their hopes/ fears for your child? Seeing the situation from their perspective means you’ll be better able to compromise or agree on different ways to achieve the same outcome rather than bashing heads.
3. Compromise
Remember that even if you have to compromise, being united in your approach tends to be more important than the approach itself, especially where there are serious behavioural concerns. Parents who are united in their approach experience fewer behavioural problems with their children, feel more supported in their parenting role and are better able to navigate and adapt to whatever challenges arise.
4. Try to keep the inevitable disagreements/ arguments away from the children.
Everyone has them, so expect to disagree, parenting is hard and every stage brings new challenges, it is important to accept this but agree that any heated discussions will never happen in front of the children.
5. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you both have the same goal
We all want what's best for our children, and being clear on the values you want to instil means you're halfway there - knowing the why makes it much easier to negotiate the how!
6. Make time for each other outside of your parenting roles.
When it feels like we’re at odds with one another’s parenting styles, it can be easy to forget what we have in common and what we appreciate about each other! Spending quality time together will help to ensure the mutual respect and understanding necessary to navigate disagreements in a healthy way.
7. Focus on each others strengths
Clarify your roles, and consider who is best placed to cover different aspects of parenting. Of course, it’s generally better to relay responses to behavioural challenges together, but where there are conflicting parenting styles this isn’t always the case. At times we might agree with a certain response rationally, but our emotions get in the way. For example, you might believe that children should have clear boundaries, but your nature might prevent you from following through consistently. In which case, it is helpful to have the more authoritative parent enforcing the boundaries and for you to take a step back initially until you feel better able to step back in.
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