Here are some idea's to help stop you giving yourself such a hard time and offer some perspective…
As parents we are our own worst critics, we suffer from imposter syndrome and put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves in our quest to be the ‘perfect’ parent (side note, it doesn't exist). Once you get into the habit of giving yourself a hard time, it can start to feel like nothing you do for your children is ever good enough. So, to get you hitting the reset button and starting to feel more positive about your parenting skills, we’ve put together our ideas to help put things in perspective and to help you stop giving yourself such a hard time:
Stay true to yourself and your parenting values: Gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting – the list goes on! It can certainly be useful to read about different parenting styles, but don’t apply every single idea you come across indiscriminately; different approaches are often contradictory, leaving you feeling more confused and stressed than before. Instead, if you want to change up your parenting tactics, start by thinking about what works for you and your children: what are your core values and beliefs? What kind of parent are you naturally? From there, research approaches that align with these values and start slowly by trying one new thing at a time and seeing how it goes.
Actively pay attention to the good behaviour that you might not usually notice: It's completely normal and a healthy part of a child's development for them to misbehave and push the boundaries at times. However, when you're feeling like your parenting skills aren’t up to scratch, you may well become overly focussed on your child’s ‘misbehaviour’, which can further increase your anxiety, stress, and self-doubt. If you can pay attention to the great things your child is doing or achieving too, this can help to balance out the not-so-great stuff and keep things in perspective. Remember: your child’s positive behaviour is a reflection of the amazing work you are doing as a parent! Start by noticing one positive thing at the end of each day and go from there.
Stop Comparing: It can be easier said than done, but try not to compare you or your children to your friends and their children, or even worse, to parents you don’t know, such as celebrities and influencers. We only ever see a small snapshot of other people’s lives, which is not reflective of reality, and this is especially true of what we see on social media. If you find yourself constantly thinking ‘The grass is greener’ and assuming that other people’s parenting experiences are ‘better’ than yours, it might be worth taking a break from social media, and especially from scrolling late at night. If you do want to look at how other people experience parenthood, try following some accounts or forums that promote a more realistic version of parenting.
Talk to your partner, family, or friends: Sometimes a simple cup of tea and a chat with someone we love is enough to help us feel better. If you’re struggling, know you’re finding it hard sometimes, very often we look like we’re holding it all together from the outside (see point above!) and even those closest to us might not realise that we are burnt out, struggling and exhausted. It’s not a sign that we can’t cope or that we are failing, it’s a healthy, precautionary step in managing our mental health before we reach total burnout.
Create a parent ‘time-out’: It’s unsustainable to be a hands-on, present, perfect parent 24/7, it’s just not possible nor is it healthy to put those expectations on yourself. We know it's not always possible to take a break when you’re overwhelmed but take a ‘time-out’ when you can. It can be as simple as going and sitting in the toilet for a minute when it’s all too much (make sure the kids are safe of course) or get creative and practical by doing ‘click and collect’ at the supermarket and go get a coffee instead, drive the long way to the petrol station on your own with your favourite music turned up loud (or silence, total silence for 15mins - pure bliss!) or walk past a bench en route to get nappies and sit down for a second and give yourself permission!!!
Don’t over-pack your child’s schedule: It’s become the norm for parents to take their kids to football, gymnastics, swimming, french lessons, and pottery, it’s never-ending and your days probably feel the same. Research shows that it’s also really important for children to experience a little boredom from time to time, this encourages creative play and instils the ability to feel content without having everything created for them. The good news is that parents can spend the afternoon at home without feeling guilty that they aren’t being stimulated; remember a cardboard box can provide hours of genuine happiness and creative play for children of all ages, so shake off the pressure, put your feet up and watch their little minds create some magic!
Tag team with a friend: Chances are you're not the only parent you know who is feeling exhausted and burnt out with a dash of guilt thrown in for good measure. Reach out to some friends and book a play date - this doesn’t need to cost the earth either; a trip to the playground with a friend and their kids is a great afternoon of fun for the kids and you can guarantee that a chat with another parent, who’s feeling the same will boost your mood.
Don’t beat yourself up: You lost your cool and yelled/shouted at your kids after a long day of trying to keep your head above water and being that great parent that you desperately want to be but the inevitable happened and you lost your zen. It’s normal to feel guilty after we’ve said or done something in the heat of the moment that wasn’t okay, as long as you can recognise this, be kind to yourself and…..
Practice Reparation: Being able to reflect on situations that haven’t gone the way we’ve hoped, acknowledging our mistakes and most importantly repairing any hurt or damage is a huge strength in all relationships, including parenting. Saying sorry (when appropriate!) is a powerful message that not only allows for relationship repair but it models to our children how to learn from our mistakes and repair those relationships when we do something that fractures them.
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