Our expert guide to setting boundaries, dealing with pushbacks, and repairing your relationship with your teen.
Tantrums, screaming, meltdowns … they say the terrible twos are the most challenging stage of parenthood, but parenting a teenager can test even the most patient of people. Being a teenager is incredible – that first real taste of freedom and independence, making friendships, and being curious about, well, everything! Yes, adolescence is often a time that’s filled with huge amounts of excitement and discovery but it’s also accompanied by a rollercoaster ride of hormones and emotions.
Just like those early toddler years, between the ages of about 11–21 the brain goes through another big developmental surge. This is often part of what causes those, sullen faces, explosive arguments, and excruciatingly long periods of them giving you the silent treatment and he often feels like they truly hate you. While some of this behaviour is normal and to be expected, it’s also important to remember that our teenagers still need age-appropriate boundaries (although they will never admit this of course). Just like in the early stages of childhood, boundaries keep our children and young people safe and allow them to navigate the world with a stable and consistent base from which to explore it. Without boundaries –things like curfews – your teen may feel like they are in control of everything, but having too much control doesn't actually help them or make them feel safe. Your young person needs to know that you will set boundaries consistently and follow through with a consequence when they break the rules..
Setting boundaries for your teen
It’s important to ensure that your teenager is aware of what the boundaries are and what the consequences will be if these are tested. Teenagers hate to be treated like little kids and understandably so, so don’t treat them like babies. Talk to them about your family values and the reasons behind your decision making but also listen to what they want and try to include them in the rule-making where appropriate. Discuss the rules together and show an interest in their opinions but do not be afraid to say no to them if a request is not something you feel ok with. It’s important to have these conversations, so find a good time when your young person seems approachable, don’t save it for the heat of the moment!
Managing pushbacks from your teen
Unfortunately, when you’re the person implementing boundaries and consequences you can often be seen as the bad guy. As tempting as it can be to plump for an easier life, once you’ve set your boundaries, try to avoid giving in – especially if your young person is cranking up their behaviours and telling you how unfair you are or how much they hate you in response to you saying no. When we give in after a teen has escalated their bad behaviour, we are simply teaching them that their strategy works and setting ourselves up for a losing battle. When implementing boundaries and consequences don’t get pulled into long negotiations that inevitably lead to arguments, keep it short and sweet with as little emotion as possible and, most importantly, stick to your guns.
Meltdowns, tantrums, or kick offs around rules and boundaries are usually a functional behaviour to try and get parents to back down and give in, but they can also be an indication that your young person is not able to self-regulate and might need some extra help with managing their feelings and behaviours. At Youth Untroubled we believe that often the best-placed person to help with this is not always a therapist, but a parent, carer, or another close adult family member. Following an outburst, once things are calmer, talk to your young person about their emotions; let them know you’ve noticed that when they get angry their voice gets really loud, or they swear, then talk to them about other, more appropriate ways they could release their frustrations.
Repairing your relationship with your teen
Occasionally, when implementing boundaries with your teenager, things can get heated. When this happens, it’s better to stay calm and quiet; when your teens’ volume goes up, yours should come down, demonstrating how you would like them to navigate their emotions. However, this is sometimes easier said than done – we are all human after all! At the end of a long day, we don’t always have the patience or resilience to model perfect parenting, and that’s ok, so don’t be afraid to apologise if things get heated and you say something you regret. ‘I'm sorry’ is a powerful phrase that is a simple way of repairing a fractious relationship and one that also demonstrates to your young person that adults can make mistakes too. By taking responsibility and ownership for slipping up, you are being respectful towards your teen and simultaneously modeling how to ‘rupture and repair’ in a healthy way, thereby creating a better relationship with your young person.
Managing boundaries with your teenager can sometimes feel like an uphill struggle, so it’s important to remember to inject some fun and joy into your relationship with your young person too! Making requests to spend time hanging out with your teen can be challenging, especially if you are met with a grunt or a ‘no’ 99% of the time. Persevere and get creative; you do not necessarily need to spend lots of money taking them to the cinema or theme parks, etc. Those little moments can be more significant than you’d think: watch a TV show with them or ask them questions about things they are interested in. Even a small gesture like a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit can work like a charm, and if you’ve noticed your teen doing something well, let them know; this can really help to strengthen your relationship with them.
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