Does it feel like your kids are often at war with each other? Bickering over the smallest issues - or even fighting? Competing with each other, or trying to score points with parents, telling tales all the time?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, the first thing to know is that sibling rivalry and arguments between siblings are both entirely normal. If this is happening in your home, it is not an indication that there is anything ‘wrong’ with your children, nor with your parenting! It’s part of evolution and natural selection, we are hard-wired to compete with siblings! That being said, we get it, it is annoying having to referee your children’s often ridiculous and noisy disputes. It can sometimes feel devastating hearing them say awful things to each other or about each other - shattering your dreams of them growing up as best friends! Many parents say that managing sibling rivalry and fallouts is one of the most frustrating challenges of parenting, so we have written this blog - to offer some strategies to help parents and families manage the bust-ups!
These are a few of our top tips:
Be prepared! Holidays and weekends are often triggers because children spend more time together, with less structure. If or when they get bored or tired/hungry, they are likely they to have disputes and quarrels, so try to plan these times carefully and where possible keep them occupied or supervised!
Avoid comparison: Siblings are different and amazing in their own, individual ways. They are not supposed to be the same and it’s unhelpful and likely to create rivalry between them if you tell them that they should be more like the other. Try to focus on and celebrate their differences, and avoid active comparison. Be mindful to avoid saying things like “Why can’t you be more like your brother…?” or. “look at your sister doing her homework so nicely”. Instead try something like, “I can see you’re finding this tricky/stressing you out, would you like me to help you?”
DO NOT ASK “WHO STARTED IT?” This is probably the most useless question a parent can ask! What do you expect to get when you ask this, apart from both kids blaming the other and an argument kicking off? If you find yourself in a referee situation and don’t know who started it, give them a clear and fair warning that you’ll consequence them both unless they stop or find a solution. If they continue fighting then they both get the consequence you pre-warned them about. This will avoid either one feeling unfairly treated, it should stop the fighting and it also promotes teamwork.
Spend time with each child individually where possible. Doing things as a family is amazing but it’s equally important to have 1:1 time with each child. It helps to reassure them that they are special and maintains a close parent-child bond. It also gives you the opportunity to get to know their uniqueness in a special way. It can feel harder to do this as they get older. If this is a problem for you, try to meet them in their comfort zone. Ever thought about trying gaming? Ready to have your nails painted like a rainbow?
Choose your battles - is it worth intervening? If you can stand the squabbling and there’s no physical or verbal abuse, try letting them figure it out themselves, just keeping a close eye. If it’s lower-level sibling squabbling like this, they will often work it out without needing parental intervention, and this is great practice in developing their problem-solving skills!
It is necessary to intervene if there’s physical aggression, which really should not be tolerated. Physical aggression, especially if the aggressor is the older child, needs to be nipped in the bud. If this is happening, acknowledge that the older child may not like the younger child (who often idolises the older one!) and although you cannot force your child to like the younger one, you can dictate how they treat each other, which is with respect and that means no verbal or physical aggression. Clear rules, with consequences for breaking them and rewards for sticking to them, are really important here!
Manage your expectations. When having a family fun day out or a family holiday, for example, don’t be disheartened if it does not go to plan and the kids have an argument. Having to manage multiple agendas and multiple needs is often a recipe for disaster. Try to focus on the bits that went well and think about how to build on those for next time.
“But it’s not Fair!” This is a common phrase that siblings will use about each other and a great strategy for pulling parents into the equation. Try to avoid over-explaining or getting into the ins and outs of why you feel it might be fair or not, and use phrases like “I know you feel unfairly treated, nevertheless your behaviour is not ok. Let’s go do something else and cool off” - separate, distract and disengage!
If your children are arguing or fighting and they share the same room, it’s a good idea not to send them both to the same place while tensions are running high. Use separate rooms to help them rest or cool off.
Try to remember the good times. Siblings often have a love/hate relationship - best friends one minute, mortal enemies the next. Take a deep breath when the going gets tough, and know they will most likely soon be playing together happily again.
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