Kids are amazing but they can be tricky too! When everything you suggest gets a ‘NO!’, when grabbing, pushing, stomping and screaming are commonplace; and NOTHING you say or do seems to have the desired effect, here are some of our tried & tested tips:
1. Make your praise effective and specific.
A simple ‘thanks’ is always nice, but if we want the child to repeat a behaviour we must be clear about what they did well! So something like ‘Thanks, I really appreciate you putting your toys back in the box, they look so neat & tidy’, will have your little treasures feeling super proud of themselves!
2. Give simple and direct demands.
When we’re stressed, running late and juggling 101 tasks it can be easy to project this onto our little ones and fire multiple instructions at them all at once. This is one way to guarantee none of them get done! Instead, break down the instructions into bite-size chunks they can process and encourage every step of the way.
3. Focus on the positives.
Children learn much quicker through positive reinforcement than anything else, so if you can identify any positive intent in undesirable behaviour, focus on that; ‘I know you really wanted to help Daddy, but we don’t grab’ and follow by suggesting what they might do in future, another opportunity to teach good skills!
4. Create opportunities for positive reinforcement.
In order to praise or reward, we need something positive to happen and when we’re in the thick of it, positive actions can be tough to recognise! So encourage your child to help with something, give them a task to do that you know they enjoy for example preparing food or helping in the garden. Not only have you alleviated the boredom that can often be the problem, but you’ll be presented with opportunities to reinforce.
5. Distinguish between instructions and requests.
If you are giving your child a non-negotiable instruction, don’t make it sound like they have a choice! ‘Would you like to put your coat on’/ ‘Would you like to get ready for bed’/ ‘Please stop hitting Mummy’, these questions will inevitably be met with a ‘NO!’ There are of course times when you will be making a request or a suggestion, but when it's an instruction make sure it sounds like one, ‘I need you to put your coat on now’/ ‘we’re going to get ready for bed now’/ ‘we don’t hit’.
6. Present your child with clear choices.
Children want to feel in control, they’re experimenting with their independence and trying to navigate cause and effect, if you present a choice they will be more likely to cooperate. Taking the example above this might look like ‘We’re going to get ready for bed now, would you like me to read you this story or this story tonight’.
7. Don't rely on verbal instructions. Show them what you want.
This is for slightly younger ones who like to grab things, mostly things they’re not allowed to have! Let’s say your child is trying to grab your phone, move the phone away and put something they can play with in front of them rather than assuming they know what you mean by saying something like ‘No that’s Mummy’s phone, you can’t have Mummy’s phone’.
8. Make any consequences immediate.
For example, if your child is hitting, it can be appropriate to enforce a meaningful consequence. If you choose to use consequences they must be enforced immediately, otherwise you will risk confusing your child. Consequences should be short and proportionate, and it should be back to business as usual as soon as the consequence is over.
9. Don’t expect your child to listen during a tantrum.
When your child is having a meltdown, they are either likely to be completely overwhelmed emotionally or they want something they can’t have. Either way, they are not listening to you, so attempting to explain why they shouldn’t have thrown the toy, or trying to get them to empathise will be futile. Instead, try to stay calm and keep talking to a minimum. Once your child is calm, this is the time to reflect and teach.
10. Try to give them a narrative for their emotional responses.
More often than not, your child won’t know why they’re struggling, so try not to rely on them to tell you or ask lots of questions such as ‘what is wrong with you today?!’. Instead, try to consider what might be the issue and help your child to make sense of their frustration or anxiety. ‘I think you might be a bit sad that the party was cancelled; you were looking forward to seeing your friends weren’t you’. This will help them to make sense of their emotions and to communicate more effectively in future.
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