The idea that your teenager may be hurting themselves on purpose can be extremely worrying and distressing for any parent. Self-harming behaviours can look different for every young person but may include scratching, cutting, or otherwise injuring parts of their body when they are feeling distressed, overwhelmed, sad, or angry.
It can be difficult to understand why your young person is hurting themselves, and you might not be sure what you can – or should – be doing to help keep them safe and support them to be able to stop.
Although understanding and tackling self-harm in teenagers can often be challenging and complex, here are a few steps that you can take to begin supporting your child to stop:
1. Remain calm and non-judgemental
It is completely normal and understandable that if you discover your teenager is self-harming you will feel panicked and anxious. However, one of the best things you can do is to stay calm and non-judgemental. Remember, your teen is likely feeling overwhelmed themselves, so if you can remain calm then you will help them to feel safe and secure. It’s also important to try to separate out the self-harming behaviour from your teen: there is nothing fundamentally ‘wrong’ with them – their self-harming behaviour/current way of coping is the problem, not them.
2. Have open conversations with your teen
Self-harm can feel like a taboo subject, but it’s important to have open conversations about it. One of the first steps towards managing self-harm is figuring out what is going on for your teen – both the circumstances around the self-harming behaviour and how they are feeling when they do it. Do however be mindful that your young person might not know why they are hurting themselves, and that’s ok. You can support them to think about some reasons it might be happening together.
3. Tell your teen that you are going to support them to stop needing to use self-harm
The self-harming behaviour serves a function for your teen; they may see hurting themselves as a way of expressing their emotions, or a way of feeling in control. Because of this, they might not feel they are able to stop this behaviour – even if they want to. Be clear with them that you understand that the idea of stopping self-harming might feel scary or difficult, but that you are going to support them through it by helping them to find other strategies to manage their stress.
4. Encourage your teen to talk about their feelings on a regular basis
Creating time and space for your teen to talk about their feelings can be hugely helpful when supporting them to stop hurting themselves. Their self-harming behaviour likely goes hand in hand with lots of big emotions – stress, worry, anger, sadness, etc – so encouraging your teen to talk openly about these can help them to find other strategies to manage their feelings aside from self-harm.
5. Avoid secrecy and shame around self-harming
If your teen feels ashamed about their self-harming, they may try to hide this from you, which could make it more challenging for you to support them to stop. Ensuring that all family members are encouraged to talk openly about their feelings – both good and bad – can create a safe environment where your young person perceives that any family member can discuss their emotions and ask for help, even if this might feel difficult.
6. Notice patterns or triggers for your teen’s self-harm then support them with alternative coping strategies
Are there particular times or situations where your teen self-harms? For example, maybe they are more likely to hurt themselves after an argument with a friend, or after a tough day at school. By understanding what events and situations might be a trigger for your young person, you can intervene early. This could look like you letting them know you are aware they might be feeling anxious, etc, then asking them what you can do to help them manage these feelings. Or perhaps it might be intervening with a distraction technique – something to take their mind off their problems so they don’t over-worry about them.
7. Support your teen to think of and try other stress management techniques
Encourage your teen to think about other ways they’ve managed difficult emotions or situations without hurting themselves. Has there been a recent time where they’ve thought about self-harming but managed not to do it? What did they do instead? Thinking back to these experiences can be helpful as the young person is reminded by their own memories that they actually already have other stress reduction strategies that work. It can be equally helpful to share your own stress reduction strategies with your teen, too.
8. Notice and celebrate when your teen doesn’t use self-harm
It can take time to stop using self-harm entirely, but it is important to pay attention to the little victories along the way. Be sure to notice and celebrate when your teen manages not to use self-harm in times of stress. This will help to positively reinforce any alternative coping strategies they used instead, and serve as a reminder the next time they feel like they want to self-harm that they are in fact able to cope without hurting themselves.
While we hope you’ve found some of these strategies a useful place to start when supporting your teenager to reduce or stop their self-harming behaviour, should you be at all concerned about your teenager’s safety, or the risk they pose to themselves or others, or if you notice that their self-harming behaviour increases in severity or frequency, then you should speak to your doctor, CAMHS, or contact the emergency services at the earliest opportunity.
Please be aware that this article is intended for parents of teenagers, rather than those of primary-aged children. While the same strategies may also be helpful for pre-teenage children, we would always recommend that professional advice is sought regarding any self-harming behaviours in primary-aged children.
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